Hi guys. Posted this reflection on my Facebook sometime last year, but seeing as this Sunday is the solemnity of Corpus Christi I thought it woul be appropriate to post it up again:
Why is does the consecration of the bread and wine into the Precious Body and Blood still leave the sacrament with the physical characteristics of bread and wine (transubstantiation)? Well, the explanation is simple.
Let's say you suffer from an iron deficiency. You go to the doctor, and he determines you need more iron. If he gave you a solid iron bar and told you to eat it, chances are you'd think he's nuts and you wouldn't listen to him. Even if you did, you could chew on the iron bar for hours and it'll do you no good.
Instead, the doc gives you iron supplement pills. In these iron pills, the iron is in salt form, in the form of iron sulphate. Those of us who take chemistry know that iron sulphate doesn't look like iron, doesn't smell like iron, doesn't taste like iron and doesn't feel like iron. However the iron ions in the iron sulphate are able to be absorbed by the body, remedying your iron deficiency.
In the same way, if Jesus cut a chunk out of His arm and asked you to eat it, and slashed His wrist and made you drink His blood, you'd think He was nuts, and wouldn't do it. However, He comes to you in the form of bread and wine, something we can easily consume. It doesn't look, smell, feel, or taste like His Body and Blood, but we believe that He is truly present in it as Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity, and He will enter your heart and remedy your brokenness. He is present in the form of bread and wine, which is something we can easily stomach, just like how we ingest iron in the form of pills, which is also something we can easily consume.
-Matthew
Friday 24 June 2011
Monday 20 June 2011
Con Camp 2011!
Hey all!~
Before i start, I think Swee ought to be affirmed for the effort she has put into this community. From making the effort to talk to everyone, to coming for sessions and this blog, i think she has really been an awesome community member don't yall think! SO YEAH, EVERYONE SEND HER A TEXT OR HUG HER THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE HER!
So anyway, con camp 2011 was a very interesting experience to say the least, and i praise God for every second of it. Right now, i'm missing camp, A LOT:'( Withdrawal symptoms... To start off, i was really filled with nervous excitement for the camp. When i was told that i was Games IC, I honestly was kinda taken aback. I believed that a Games IC needed to be a really interesting, noisy and extremely outgoing person, things that i never thought myself out to be. I took the role anyway, thinking well, i'm just gonna try! I took a lot of time to prepare for the games, thinking everything through, trying to improve on them, especially since there was supposed to be the more spirit-filled/ scripture-based games. I think ultimately i put too much pressure on myself to do well, and i struggled with my personal need to show that i could do well in the role. The day before camp i was sorta panicking because i realised i had a lot of unfinished things to prepare for games. Yet somehow through all that i managed to find time to pray, and i tried to lift everything up to God and to let him take control. Sidetracking a little, I've foung a lot of comfort in prayer recently, through all my personal struggles and everything, so praise God :)
DAY ONE
Day one was hectic to say the least, for the Log team. For me it was a whirlwind of a day. Ice-breakers was nerve-wrecking, to go up there and attempt to be interesting was probably my biggest challenge for the camp. But i think God was there for me, and I HOPE it went well. HOPE because i'm not sure either, but i felt it went pretty well! Plus i had a lot of fun. Like A LOT. Our next job was for the outdoor games, which really was something i wanted desperately to go well. I think I was a little bit on the edge, so i probably snapped at some people, so i'm sorry to whoever was on the receiving end! I didn't mean to be that way:/ I guess that's a result of relying on my own strength, forgetting the words of scripture, " I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". It went well, i think, save for the fact that we were pressed for time. I thank God that the Log team helped me out so much during the day, through all the games, expecially the sec4s. They made my job a lot easier and relieved a lot of the burdens that i had. And to Ivan, thanks for helping me plan the day one games! At night i was kinda worried about day 2 games, and people were getting on my nerves as i struggled to brief the team about the games the next day. Dom helped me out though, and upon reflection, i realised that God had always been there in the people around me. And i thank God for it.
DAY TWO
SO yeah, day 2 games were a great worry for me. Partly because i wasn't even sure if i had everything ready, and also because a lot of time had been put into planning them, because of the new aspect that we had tried to implement. But yeah, it went smoothly! And i had a hell lot of fun sounding the siren. PLUS i was CLEAN. For both days. HAHAHA Log team bonding was extremely fun. Like forreal.
The praying with session at night was really moving. I sat at the back and i watched as the confirmands went up one by one. Sitting there, singing the songs and generally being in the moment made me wish i was a sec3 again. It feels very long ago... 2 years. THat night i learnt a lot talking to Raphael and Amanda, and i t strikes me how even in the times where you don't expect to gain anything, you still do. So yeah, it was a humbling experience!
AND baby sitting the confirmands was REALLY REALLY FUN. Iris and Joshua would testify to that. This, i won't share, cause thinking about made me laugh to myself, which is really weird since i'm at home and looking at my laptop. And well, it was time well spent with some really good friends!
DAY THREE
It was supposed to be the log team's slack day, but i still ended running around and feeling really tired.
I actually felt completely drained. But Iris,Hubert Glenn and baltz were around and helped me out when i couldn't find people to do stuff, so yeah praise God for them! And i had a really interesting sharing with Alison, Amanda, Jared, Joshua, Swee, Raphael and Simeon. It strikes me how, every camp we see the communities come to gether and support each other, and i'm really grateful for the YM in SFX and for OWL. I think i received a lot of support from alot of people. The lead up to parents night 2 was probably the most messy and frustrating period of the camp. The hall was chaotic, and i struggled to get things in place. Yet everything fell into place, and i realised that once again i relied on my own strength instead on God's. That night after the session was over i was overcome with tiredness and frustraion at a lot of things. And yeah, i cried. But the support that people gave me, Freeman, Iris, ch'ng, Ivan and even Darius, allowed me to move past that.
Plus, a fun-filled night with Ivan, Teo, Raphael, Amanda, Hubert and Jared really put a smile to my face, so praise God.
DAY FOUR
Most uneventful day of the camp, BUT, I wanna affirm Candice and Joshua for leadin morning praise. It was a really good Session and i had fun! OH, And i joined the 9 am choir. HAHAHAHAHA SO funny omg.
Anyway, that's most of my reflection, i thank God that i was given the chance to meet new people and to build on those i already have. And yeah Praise God for everything he has done for me, Truly he is My God, forever and ever!
<3 JP
Before i start, I think Swee ought to be affirmed for the effort she has put into this community. From making the effort to talk to everyone, to coming for sessions and this blog, i think she has really been an awesome community member don't yall think! SO YEAH, EVERYONE SEND HER A TEXT OR HUG HER THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE HER!
So anyway, con camp 2011 was a very interesting experience to say the least, and i praise God for every second of it. Right now, i'm missing camp, A LOT:'( Withdrawal symptoms... To start off, i was really filled with nervous excitement for the camp. When i was told that i was Games IC, I honestly was kinda taken aback. I believed that a Games IC needed to be a really interesting, noisy and extremely outgoing person, things that i never thought myself out to be. I took the role anyway, thinking well, i'm just gonna try! I took a lot of time to prepare for the games, thinking everything through, trying to improve on them, especially since there was supposed to be the more spirit-filled/ scripture-based games. I think ultimately i put too much pressure on myself to do well, and i struggled with my personal need to show that i could do well in the role. The day before camp i was sorta panicking because i realised i had a lot of unfinished things to prepare for games. Yet somehow through all that i managed to find time to pray, and i tried to lift everything up to God and to let him take control. Sidetracking a little, I've foung a lot of comfort in prayer recently, through all my personal struggles and everything, so praise God :)
DAY ONE
Day one was hectic to say the least, for the Log team. For me it was a whirlwind of a day. Ice-breakers was nerve-wrecking, to go up there and attempt to be interesting was probably my biggest challenge for the camp. But i think God was there for me, and I HOPE it went well. HOPE because i'm not sure either, but i felt it went pretty well! Plus i had a lot of fun. Like A LOT. Our next job was for the outdoor games, which really was something i wanted desperately to go well. I think I was a little bit on the edge, so i probably snapped at some people, so i'm sorry to whoever was on the receiving end! I didn't mean to be that way:/ I guess that's a result of relying on my own strength, forgetting the words of scripture, " I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". It went well, i think, save for the fact that we were pressed for time. I thank God that the Log team helped me out so much during the day, through all the games, expecially the sec4s. They made my job a lot easier and relieved a lot of the burdens that i had. And to Ivan, thanks for helping me plan the day one games! At night i was kinda worried about day 2 games, and people were getting on my nerves as i struggled to brief the team about the games the next day. Dom helped me out though, and upon reflection, i realised that God had always been there in the people around me. And i thank God for it.
DAY TWO
SO yeah, day 2 games were a great worry for me. Partly because i wasn't even sure if i had everything ready, and also because a lot of time had been put into planning them, because of the new aspect that we had tried to implement. But yeah, it went smoothly! And i had a hell lot of fun sounding the siren. PLUS i was CLEAN. For both days. HAHAHA Log team bonding was extremely fun. Like forreal.
The praying with session at night was really moving. I sat at the back and i watched as the confirmands went up one by one. Sitting there, singing the songs and generally being in the moment made me wish i was a sec3 again. It feels very long ago... 2 years. THat night i learnt a lot talking to Raphael and Amanda, and i t strikes me how even in the times where you don't expect to gain anything, you still do. So yeah, it was a humbling experience!
AND baby sitting the confirmands was REALLY REALLY FUN. Iris and Joshua would testify to that. This, i won't share, cause thinking about made me laugh to myself, which is really weird since i'm at home and looking at my laptop. And well, it was time well spent with some really good friends!
DAY THREE
It was supposed to be the log team's slack day, but i still ended running around and feeling really tired.
I actually felt completely drained. But Iris,Hubert Glenn and baltz were around and helped me out when i couldn't find people to do stuff, so yeah praise God for them! And i had a really interesting sharing with Alison, Amanda, Jared, Joshua, Swee, Raphael and Simeon. It strikes me how, every camp we see the communities come to gether and support each other, and i'm really grateful for the YM in SFX and for OWL. I think i received a lot of support from alot of people. The lead up to parents night 2 was probably the most messy and frustrating period of the camp. The hall was chaotic, and i struggled to get things in place. Yet everything fell into place, and i realised that once again i relied on my own strength instead on God's. That night after the session was over i was overcome with tiredness and frustraion at a lot of things. And yeah, i cried. But the support that people gave me, Freeman, Iris, ch'ng, Ivan and even Darius, allowed me to move past that.
Plus, a fun-filled night with Ivan, Teo, Raphael, Amanda, Hubert and Jared really put a smile to my face, so praise God.
DAY FOUR
Most uneventful day of the camp, BUT, I wanna affirm Candice and Joshua for leadin morning praise. It was a really good Session and i had fun! OH, And i joined the 9 am choir. HAHAHAHAHA SO funny omg.
Anyway, that's most of my reflection, i thank God that i was given the chance to meet new people and to build on those i already have. And yeah Praise God for everything he has done for me, Truly he is My God, forever and ever!
<3 JP
Sunday 19 June 2011
Confirmation Camp
Hello friends. I am going to share about my honest opinions during camp. I hope that no one will feel offended by it.
The week came and I was completely dreading this camp. I had second thoughts on bother to wake up and come for camp. I was habouring thoughts about the worst happening during camp and was afraid that it would be a waste of time.
Firstly, I felt that the logistics team was made of too many people. I was feeling insignificant and that my presence was unnecessary. Secondly, I came into camp with many of my own personal struggles and was feeling extremely troubled. Thirdly, I had my own school work at the back of my mind, and felt that perhaps I would not be able to finish my school work by the end of the holidays. Lastly, I have been feeling spiritually dry.
However, I guess I still went for camp as an escape for my secular problems and also because I had a certain desire to serve God in this camp. Also I needed affirmation of God's love. I challenged him to do something powerful and great as I expected nothing amazing to happen during this camp.
On the first session, I had to do a testimony, one I honestly did not really prepare for, and I was very nervous prior to come out and sharing. Well, it went out rather smoothly, although I feel that I could have so much more, but then again that is my own expectation. Also, probably God was happy with all that I said as he definitely guided me and put the words in my mouth.
I guess I can honestly say that this camp was not the most spiritual for me and it was not the most pleasant place to be present in. There was much tension for me and I had tried my utmost best to be as neutral as possible when conflicts arouse. Of course I was annoyed especially by certain individuals and I guess it is my mistake for being overly sensitive. Oliver noticed that I was truly depending on my own strength and will than surrendering to God and just letting God empower me and use me.
I completely agree with what he said because he was absolutely right. I just could not surrender my problems to God and didn't know how to. I guess that I was perhaps too conscious about the people around myself and didn't dare to surrender and take the risk of breaking down.
I made up my mind to stay in the intercessory room the next day to sort out my mind and try to purify my intentions. I would like to affirm Seah for coming down at 3.30 on Saturday. And I'm very sorry that I gave you certain wrong instructions. Well, everyone makes mistakes! Anyway, I felt that even though I was supposed to lead the intercessory session, Russell saved my butt and helped me to tank almost everything! Thanks very much Russell, I am really grateful!!! :)
Then came the parent's night. There was conflict within the Parish Hall, but I was not involved; let alone present at the scene. I think God placed me at a different room from the rest so that I would not get involved. He foresaw that I would have completely gone berserk and lost myself. And I probably wouldn't have been touched by Aunty Grace's testimony.
Well parent's night was a very bad experience for me. I felt like shit during the entire programme because I was reminded of my past experience, last years confirmation camp. I was ONE of the few who wasn't touched and didn't cry during the course of the night during my own camp. I was extremely upset and disappointed because I felt that God didn't love me. Anyway, after the event, I decided that I needed to put my mind of for some self-reflection. I decided to do other things instead of joining the fellowship in the canteen. I needed to put my mind away from all distractions.
However, it was while I was in the canteen that my answer had come to me. A confirmant was sharing with me her experience how she knew that she was loved by God. I actually found myself telling her about my own experience (well it was not really an experience), and then she said: "I guess that the experience does not really matter, but what happens after that. You are still desiring for God right?" I felt so touched by her words and just stood silent. I was reminded that I always kept desiring for that experience of God, even until today. I used to search for him and never gave up and I would have done literally anything receive that Love of His.
I guess that the purpose of me in camp was to come and receive and not really to serve. And as for the challenge, God responded with an answer I would never expect. Honestly, in spite of all my disappointment, I really felt the Holy Spirit flowing in every room of the church, and that God spoke through many around me. I never expected to learn anything out of this camp, but I guess we will never stop learning!
As one of my wise brothers said, "I guess that God put me in this camp to be put out of the limelight, and just to be humbled in serving others." I can personally testify to this. All in all, I guess there are no real words to express my camp experience, one which was extremely unique.
As for the community aspect, I really hurts me to see my own community fight within itself. My heart was really broken by what ever I saw during camp. I hate to see our community broken and see others ganging up against others. And I am sick and tired of seeing other outside our community who look down upon us. Will you stand up and prove them wrong with me?
-Jordan
The week came and I was completely dreading this camp. I had second thoughts on bother to wake up and come for camp. I was habouring thoughts about the worst happening during camp and was afraid that it would be a waste of time.
Firstly, I felt that the logistics team was made of too many people. I was feeling insignificant and that my presence was unnecessary. Secondly, I came into camp with many of my own personal struggles and was feeling extremely troubled. Thirdly, I had my own school work at the back of my mind, and felt that perhaps I would not be able to finish my school work by the end of the holidays. Lastly, I have been feeling spiritually dry.
However, I guess I still went for camp as an escape for my secular problems and also because I had a certain desire to serve God in this camp. Also I needed affirmation of God's love. I challenged him to do something powerful and great as I expected nothing amazing to happen during this camp.
On the first session, I had to do a testimony, one I honestly did not really prepare for, and I was very nervous prior to come out and sharing. Well, it went out rather smoothly, although I feel that I could have so much more, but then again that is my own expectation. Also, probably God was happy with all that I said as he definitely guided me and put the words in my mouth.
I guess I can honestly say that this camp was not the most spiritual for me and it was not the most pleasant place to be present in. There was much tension for me and I had tried my utmost best to be as neutral as possible when conflicts arouse. Of course I was annoyed especially by certain individuals and I guess it is my mistake for being overly sensitive. Oliver noticed that I was truly depending on my own strength and will than surrendering to God and just letting God empower me and use me.
I completely agree with what he said because he was absolutely right. I just could not surrender my problems to God and didn't know how to. I guess that I was perhaps too conscious about the people around myself and didn't dare to surrender and take the risk of breaking down.
I made up my mind to stay in the intercessory room the next day to sort out my mind and try to purify my intentions. I would like to affirm Seah for coming down at 3.30 on Saturday. And I'm very sorry that I gave you certain wrong instructions. Well, everyone makes mistakes! Anyway, I felt that even though I was supposed to lead the intercessory session, Russell saved my butt and helped me to tank almost everything! Thanks very much Russell, I am really grateful!!! :)
Then came the parent's night. There was conflict within the Parish Hall, but I was not involved; let alone present at the scene. I think God placed me at a different room from the rest so that I would not get involved. He foresaw that I would have completely gone berserk and lost myself. And I probably wouldn't have been touched by Aunty Grace's testimony.
Well parent's night was a very bad experience for me. I felt like shit during the entire programme because I was reminded of my past experience, last years confirmation camp. I was ONE of the few who wasn't touched and didn't cry during the course of the night during my own camp. I was extremely upset and disappointed because I felt that God didn't love me. Anyway, after the event, I decided that I needed to put my mind of for some self-reflection. I decided to do other things instead of joining the fellowship in the canteen. I needed to put my mind away from all distractions.
However, it was while I was in the canteen that my answer had come to me. A confirmant was sharing with me her experience how she knew that she was loved by God. I actually found myself telling her about my own experience (well it was not really an experience), and then she said: "I guess that the experience does not really matter, but what happens after that. You are still desiring for God right?" I felt so touched by her words and just stood silent. I was reminded that I always kept desiring for that experience of God, even until today. I used to search for him and never gave up and I would have done literally anything receive that Love of His.
I guess that the purpose of me in camp was to come and receive and not really to serve. And as for the challenge, God responded with an answer I would never expect. Honestly, in spite of all my disappointment, I really felt the Holy Spirit flowing in every room of the church, and that God spoke through many around me. I never expected to learn anything out of this camp, but I guess we will never stop learning!
As one of my wise brothers said, "I guess that God put me in this camp to be put out of the limelight, and just to be humbled in serving others." I can personally testify to this. All in all, I guess there are no real words to express my camp experience, one which was extremely unique.
As for the community aspect, I really hurts me to see my own community fight within itself. My heart was really broken by what ever I saw during camp. I hate to see our community broken and see others ganging up against others. And I am sick and tired of seeing other outside our community who look down upon us. Will you stand up and prove them wrong with me?
-Jordan
Post Con. Camp 2011 reflections
Hello y'all!
Thanks for keeping us in your prayers(I know you did!). Anyway, I figure I ought to share my takeaways from the past 4 fays, so here goes.
In all honesty, I signed up for camp because I wanted a 'high' to last me through the rest of the year, or at least till A's end. I entered camp having not done any spiritual prep on my own at all, since I told myself that I'd need to spend as much time studying as I could. That said, I went for confession right before the camp began, so i thought I was in a pretty good state initially. I'd decided before hand to be as open as I could this camp, since I'd already invested 4 days of my life(the week before my midyears), so it made sense to try and get as much out of it as possible.
My group was pretty decent, save this one guy who "hated this religion" and his family and pretty much everything to do with church. I spent most of the first two days trying to get him to open up, and I guess it'd be fair to say I invested a fair amount of my emotions for camp on him i.e. if he opens up, camp will be good and vice versa.Despite his initial resistance towards camp, there were positive signs throughout, such as his going for Recon without being prompted, and I guess this lead to me raising my hopes even more.
Slight detour coming up, but you'll see the link by the end of the next next paragraph (:
Anyway, the second day was extremely draining for me, spiritually. The night session was a time of praying with, but I couldn't find it in myself to stay focused in prayer, or to be free in worship. I think I'd allowed myself to grow complacent in my spirituality in this camp, and as a result my pride wasn't allowing me to be really surrender to God's will. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I felt a warmth in my torso, and my heart started beating super strongly halfway through when someone was praying for me in the spiritual prep for the night session. I guess y'all know me well enough to know that I'm not normally big on "warm fuzzy feelings" and all, so I don't really know what to make of it. I think maybe a small part of me fears that after waiting so long for some tangible sign, it's gonna end up being something really lame. Like, a warmth in my chest. So, I shall have to figure out to make of that on my own. At that point in time thought, I guess it was the affirmation I needed to let down a few of my walls and let God in that bit more
Alright, back to the guy I mentioned earlier. So, the praying with was going pretty alright(I think), and I had my hopes really high when this dude came up to be prayed with. Anyway, I lead. Unlike with the previous participants, I was at a total loss for words (yeah, it actually happens), and I felt so crappy throughout. When it ended, he just walked away without a word, and he pushed me away when I tried to give him a hug. I pretty much died then. I just sank down to the floor and sat there, stunned. My hopes were so high, especially everything seemed to be falling in place, and I really wasn't expecting such a response. To say that I was discouraged would be a major major major understatement. So, the rest of the night passed by pretty uneventfully, probably because I was still pretty shell-shocked (ha, turtle pun).
The following day included a session on allowing the seeds of God's love sown during the praying with to grow and develop, and I realised then that I shouldn't have pinned so much emotion on that one participant in my group, and that it wasn't for me to demand/expect something tangible to happen. I figured then that perhaps I had been seeking a sign that would boost my own ego, perhaps confirming that I'm a good facil or sth. I realise that this might not make sense to some of you, but bear with me please.
So, first learning point for the camp: that I ought to serve with the aim of allowing God's will to be manifested, not my own.
Moving on, I found final worship really good. We used the song "Forever reign", and the line "I'm running to your arms" moved me to tears. Which doesn't happen very often. I guess I've always known that I want a relationship with this God, but I never liked how hard I needed to 'work' for my faith, and so I tried finding alternative sources to feel loved. I think final worship was where I decided that I don't want to expend anymore time and energy looking for love in all the wrong places when I've a God I can get it directly from. And, as has always been the case, I know it isn't going to be easy. But this is where you people come in. See, as community I'm relying on y'all to slap me and drag me back kicking and screaming every time I do something I shouldn't.
Speaking of community, I think I realise how much I missed having OWLs around during camps. I was the only facil from OWL, while all the other youth groups had lots of members helping out at camp. So, I showered alone the whole camp, and I felt really lonely. I know nothing could have been done about this, but it still kinda sucks. Nyehh.
Another community related point I think I ought to share with y'all happened on the first day. Jason (Cornerstone) was giving an extremely personal sharing, and one of the participants whistled extremely disrespectfully. I noticed how all the CS people in the room immediately 'blackfaced', and afterwards how another CS member came down hard on the participant because he didn't like how the dude disrespected Jason. And for me, I guess this example of solidarity struck home because it showed how they all had their community member's back, so I hope we can do the same in our community.
On a more personal level, charisms. At debrief today they were talking about particular areas which people are gifted in, and these differ, obviously. Anyway, I like doing sessions on teachings, and I'm particularly inclined to the idea that that might be my possible gifting. However, this camp alone 3 participants have told me that they were touched by my praying with. And since I joined YM quite a number of people have told me the same, so :/ In all honesty, I'd much rather not this be my charism, if that turns out to be the case. See, unlike teachings where there is a definite answer, praying with people doesn't. And that requires a lot more surrendering to God, and trusting that he will take care of stuff. But, I'm not really keen on going in for stuff with no idea what the end result is gonna be. Uncertainty, bleah.
Oh well, I realise that I'm pretty much rambling at this point, so I'll stop here. And to be honest, I still don't know if going for camp was the right decision to make. But yeah, if you did make it to this point, thank you for taking the time to read my reflection. (:
Love,
Terence.
Thanks for keeping us in your prayers(I know you did!). Anyway, I figure I ought to share my takeaways from the past 4 fays, so here goes.
In all honesty, I signed up for camp because I wanted a 'high' to last me through the rest of the year, or at least till A's end. I entered camp having not done any spiritual prep on my own at all, since I told myself that I'd need to spend as much time studying as I could. That said, I went for confession right before the camp began, so i thought I was in a pretty good state initially. I'd decided before hand to be as open as I could this camp, since I'd already invested 4 days of my life(the week before my midyears), so it made sense to try and get as much out of it as possible.
My group was pretty decent, save this one guy who "hated this religion" and his family and pretty much everything to do with church. I spent most of the first two days trying to get him to open up, and I guess it'd be fair to say I invested a fair amount of my emotions for camp on him i.e. if he opens up, camp will be good and vice versa.Despite his initial resistance towards camp, there were positive signs throughout, such as his going for Recon without being prompted, and I guess this lead to me raising my hopes even more.
Slight detour coming up, but you'll see the link by the end of the next next paragraph (:
Anyway, the second day was extremely draining for me, spiritually. The night session was a time of praying with, but I couldn't find it in myself to stay focused in prayer, or to be free in worship. I think I'd allowed myself to grow complacent in my spirituality in this camp, and as a result my pride wasn't allowing me to be really surrender to God's will. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I felt a warmth in my torso, and my heart started beating super strongly halfway through when someone was praying for me in the spiritual prep for the night session. I guess y'all know me well enough to know that I'm not normally big on "warm fuzzy feelings" and all, so I don't really know what to make of it. I think maybe a small part of me fears that after waiting so long for some tangible sign, it's gonna end up being something really lame. Like, a warmth in my chest. So, I shall have to figure out to make of that on my own. At that point in time thought, I guess it was the affirmation I needed to let down a few of my walls and let God in that bit more
Alright, back to the guy I mentioned earlier. So, the praying with was going pretty alright(I think), and I had my hopes really high when this dude came up to be prayed with. Anyway, I lead. Unlike with the previous participants, I was at a total loss for words (yeah, it actually happens), and I felt so crappy throughout. When it ended, he just walked away without a word, and he pushed me away when I tried to give him a hug. I pretty much died then. I just sank down to the floor and sat there, stunned. My hopes were so high, especially everything seemed to be falling in place, and I really wasn't expecting such a response. To say that I was discouraged would be a major major major understatement. So, the rest of the night passed by pretty uneventfully, probably because I was still pretty shell-shocked (ha, turtle pun).
The following day included a session on allowing the seeds of God's love sown during the praying with to grow and develop, and I realised then that I shouldn't have pinned so much emotion on that one participant in my group, and that it wasn't for me to demand/expect something tangible to happen. I figured then that perhaps I had been seeking a sign that would boost my own ego, perhaps confirming that I'm a good facil or sth. I realise that this might not make sense to some of you, but bear with me please.
So, first learning point for the camp: that I ought to serve with the aim of allowing God's will to be manifested, not my own.
Moving on, I found final worship really good. We used the song "Forever reign", and the line "I'm running to your arms" moved me to tears. Which doesn't happen very often. I guess I've always known that I want a relationship with this God, but I never liked how hard I needed to 'work' for my faith, and so I tried finding alternative sources to feel loved. I think final worship was where I decided that I don't want to expend anymore time and energy looking for love in all the wrong places when I've a God I can get it directly from. And, as has always been the case, I know it isn't going to be easy. But this is where you people come in. See, as community I'm relying on y'all to slap me and drag me back kicking and screaming every time I do something I shouldn't.
Speaking of community, I think I realise how much I missed having OWLs around during camps. I was the only facil from OWL, while all the other youth groups had lots of members helping out at camp. So, I showered alone the whole camp, and I felt really lonely. I know nothing could have been done about this, but it still kinda sucks. Nyehh.
Another community related point I think I ought to share with y'all happened on the first day. Jason (Cornerstone) was giving an extremely personal sharing, and one of the participants whistled extremely disrespectfully. I noticed how all the CS people in the room immediately 'blackfaced', and afterwards how another CS member came down hard on the participant because he didn't like how the dude disrespected Jason. And for me, I guess this example of solidarity struck home because it showed how they all had their community member's back, so I hope we can do the same in our community.
On a more personal level, charisms. At debrief today they were talking about particular areas which people are gifted in, and these differ, obviously. Anyway, I like doing sessions on teachings, and I'm particularly inclined to the idea that that might be my possible gifting. However, this camp alone 3 participants have told me that they were touched by my praying with. And since I joined YM quite a number of people have told me the same, so :/ In all honesty, I'd much rather not this be my charism, if that turns out to be the case. See, unlike teachings where there is a definite answer, praying with people doesn't. And that requires a lot more surrendering to God, and trusting that he will take care of stuff. But, I'm not really keen on going in for stuff with no idea what the end result is gonna be. Uncertainty, bleah.
Oh well, I realise that I'm pretty much rambling at this point, so I'll stop here. And to be honest, I still don't know if going for camp was the right decision to make. But yeah, if you did make it to this point, thank you for taking the time to read my reflection. (:
Love,
Terence.
CONFI CAMP 2011 ( candice)
Hello!
Firstly, wanna thank swee for setting up this blog for us to share our lives esp when we cant meet up often due to tight schedules and all. :) YAY.
Just wanna share with u guys my confi camp experience. :)
I was in the music team, which consisted of 8 people including me - simeon, timswee, timtan, madtan, lou, joshua and jared. yeap. I would say i didnt feel anything about gg into this camp, not excited, not upset, nothing actually, basically just taking it as another camp. I went in with emotional burdens and baggages, hoping that these four days which i gave up would allow me to receive smth, i would say i wanted more spiritual element im the way im living now, to help me in the tough journey ahead. And so, i went there with expectations, expecting and telling God i want smth out of this.
So day one, it was rather slack for the music team, we kinda just hung around and played when need to. but by night time, i just felt very tired, physically and mentally and i started to question why because usually, i would feel the tiredness only on the end of the second day, there about. i didnt really go think about it, cos i couldnt really be bothered and was just tired. ok.
so day two came. i think i played for like two sessions? and while playing i can say, my tiredness affected my playing. yet, i couldnt let go and let God because there was this pride in me. and thats a problem every musician will face. PRIDE. because music is entirely based on skills and its these skills which we tend to find our identity in. which obviously would lead us the wrong way. and thru pride, the evil one attacks our weaknesses. And so, being me, i angst with myself. then i realised, if i was with owl, i would have just shown it. but because i was in this particular music team, i didnt dare to. that showed me smth which i may not have known - that i know owl doesnt judge me, i know they can accept me for who i am and love me for who i am even though the many weaknesses that i have. not saying that ym judges me, but you dont know how to trust those that you are not close to, you dont really know them kinda thing? idk how to word it, but i guess u guys can figure out what im tryin to say. hahaa. Then we had a session on sacrament of recon done by simeon. that session, i sat behind and just listened to the words the spirit was speaking thru him and it made me tear a lot cos i was just starting at the cross and i told God that i didnt deserve whatever he has done for me, those pain and torture he went thru, the heavy cross he had to carry, the nails that went thru his hands and feet, the blood he shed. during that time, i just felt so guilty for always hurting his children, the nails i constantly drill into him. it was an incredible experience. :) That night, i played for parents night in the main church with swee, we had a mini choir hahhaa, like those from the logistics team. :) so cute. yeap and i really had fun, swee was just high and funny, so he kinda kept me entertained the whole time. then suddenly, for the final song, cheryl didnt tell us there was one, and so when the slide showed : final hymn -jesus, we enthrone you, GG, really. hahhaha all of us just like whatttttt and we srambled to find chords and yeah praise God we found it, cos we just brought random chords with us, thinking i need to play instrumental the whole time. hehe. After everything, cheryl and i wanted to meet up for supper. and so i went down to the dining to meet her la. and as i was walking in, she walked out and she told me the music team was inside. that refers to the older ones, cos jared and josh are always together and they dont really hang out with the older ones. When i heard it, i just turned around and walk away and i didnt know exactly why, why the reaction. Then, i kinda thought about it. I felt left out. because the older ones jam together and they just hang out together la, so its just hard to fit in? i guess. and josh and jared are just like magnets. hahaha theyre just cute la. yeah, so in the end i solo in the log room. and they nictan came in and we kinda talked la. yeah mmmm
Day three. we had a session on being fully alive and our dear sec 4s from owl and yv did the everything mime with stephen. it was beautiful. really amazing. i went for their practices and there were i think only about 3 practices? but the spirit really flowed :) yay. then we had mass and im suppose to play for mass but didnt have time to practice. so it was decided that i play the songs and lou play the different mass parts like alleluia and all la. so when it came to hymn after communion, ( table of plenty), i seriously screwed up cos i started off with the wrong tempo and the chords were unclear, there were like writings of another chords beside the printed ones and all that. and so i seriously screwed up and my keyboard was so loud. so the rest of the music team was trying to set the tempo for me and swee played guitar la. and near the end of the song, tears filled my eyes, it was such a horrible feeling. i didnt dare to look up, i was so afraid the first few rows would notice the tears. and so, immediately after i just sat down behind the keyboard and i just cried, facing the wall obviously. it was so hard to try not to cry and the harder i tried, the more flowed out and soon i just started sobbing. and luckily lou played the next song, so no one could really hear me la. lol. that experience kinda "officially" put me down and affirm the thought that im not good enough and maybe thats why i felt that i was really accepted in this music team? i didnt feel a sense of belonging? i felt that pple judge me according to my skills. and obviously, i may be wrong and i told myself, candice u think this way because you judge urself based on ur skills and wake up ur idea. and yeah, it was sucky. really. And then, that night came, i played for the session where the kids read their parents letter. very touching esp when this girl sat right in front and i was her facil last yr for sec 2 camp. she comes from a broken family and is very confused. mmm and i was rather surprised when she received two letters. i felt a sense of joy and hope. yeah :) That night, Jess told us a story ( remind me to share this story with u in one of our sessions, if not my post too long hahaa u must be getting bored) that relaly touched me la. :)
Last day, josh and i did morning praise. and it was both our first time doing a session in a camp and relaly, both of us had fun. :) surprisingly, i wasnt nervous during that 20 mins. hhaha praise God, cos the night before when i was preparing, i tot i would be trembling. hahhaa thanks to stephen and timtan and jp who helped me along la. yay.:) we then had final praise and ohmygoodnessgracious. its the BEST PNW i ever played for and it was relaly affirming becuase these 3 days taught me how to let go and let God. and immediately after we ended, simeon came to me and said : you played perfect. wahhhhhhhhh i was like oooooo praise God. :) nice la. Then after, it was clean up and idk how but i ended up talking to simeon about a lot of stuff la, community, spiritual life, studies.... for like an hour plus. very nice of him la. and he offered to help out with our sessions! :) yay. honestly, ym really cares for us, esp our dear chairman :) so lets stay strong :)
yeah and so that was briefly my sharing for camp. i have a lot to share! hahhaha but u all will just get bored to death and its just too long eh. hahah. you know as i was talking to simeon, he told me this, he said : its not right to come to a camp expecting smth out of it, wanting to receive smth. and that struck me becos thats what i came in with and so i realised. who am i to expect smth out of God. and maybe the first three days when i was relaly relally struggling, God wanted me to let go and let Him take control, let go of all the expectations, baggages that i came into the camp with. and yeah i think its very true la. mmm its a challenge, a tough one, to surrender. and strength to surrender is what i really need for my journey towards A's . the thought of A's now really scares me. :/ oh wells. Anw yeah, even though i didnt feel right and that people judge me when im with this music team but i guess another challenge that i needa face is not to judge myself first. yeah and the last night when stephen helped me with my planning, i told him i was getting scared and josh was there. and josh said smth like no kick la, you always do it in owl sessions what. and i replied saying but owl wont judge me. so then stephen said, you think these pple here judge you but how do u know? thats ur assumption. yeah smth, i shld reflect upon also. not to be so self concious and just love myself for who i am. even though im filled with angst. ( haahhaa no la, im not always angsty k, in fact i just show only, so dont take it to heart. hhhahaha). yeap, so no matter wad wanna praise God for his experience! :)
on a side note, there were NO owl girls who stayed over with me. so at times i solo. :( really hope there will be more the next time, or at any other ym events :) esp the older girls. hahaa yeahh. alright thanks for reading!
Love
Candice
Firstly, wanna thank swee for setting up this blog for us to share our lives esp when we cant meet up often due to tight schedules and all. :) YAY.
Just wanna share with u guys my confi camp experience. :)
I was in the music team, which consisted of 8 people including me - simeon, timswee, timtan, madtan, lou, joshua and jared. yeap. I would say i didnt feel anything about gg into this camp, not excited, not upset, nothing actually, basically just taking it as another camp. I went in with emotional burdens and baggages, hoping that these four days which i gave up would allow me to receive smth, i would say i wanted more spiritual element im the way im living now, to help me in the tough journey ahead. And so, i went there with expectations, expecting and telling God i want smth out of this.
So day one, it was rather slack for the music team, we kinda just hung around and played when need to. but by night time, i just felt very tired, physically and mentally and i started to question why because usually, i would feel the tiredness only on the end of the second day, there about. i didnt really go think about it, cos i couldnt really be bothered and was just tired. ok.
so day two came. i think i played for like two sessions? and while playing i can say, my tiredness affected my playing. yet, i couldnt let go and let God because there was this pride in me. and thats a problem every musician will face. PRIDE. because music is entirely based on skills and its these skills which we tend to find our identity in. which obviously would lead us the wrong way. and thru pride, the evil one attacks our weaknesses. And so, being me, i angst with myself. then i realised, if i was with owl, i would have just shown it. but because i was in this particular music team, i didnt dare to. that showed me smth which i may not have known - that i know owl doesnt judge me, i know they can accept me for who i am and love me for who i am even though the many weaknesses that i have. not saying that ym judges me, but you dont know how to trust those that you are not close to, you dont really know them kinda thing? idk how to word it, but i guess u guys can figure out what im tryin to say. hahaa. Then we had a session on sacrament of recon done by simeon. that session, i sat behind and just listened to the words the spirit was speaking thru him and it made me tear a lot cos i was just starting at the cross and i told God that i didnt deserve whatever he has done for me, those pain and torture he went thru, the heavy cross he had to carry, the nails that went thru his hands and feet, the blood he shed. during that time, i just felt so guilty for always hurting his children, the nails i constantly drill into him. it was an incredible experience. :) That night, i played for parents night in the main church with swee, we had a mini choir hahhaa, like those from the logistics team. :) so cute. yeap and i really had fun, swee was just high and funny, so he kinda kept me entertained the whole time. then suddenly, for the final song, cheryl didnt tell us there was one, and so when the slide showed : final hymn -jesus, we enthrone you, GG, really. hahhaha all of us just like whatttttt and we srambled to find chords and yeah praise God we found it, cos we just brought random chords with us, thinking i need to play instrumental the whole time. hehe. After everything, cheryl and i wanted to meet up for supper. and so i went down to the dining to meet her la. and as i was walking in, she walked out and she told me the music team was inside. that refers to the older ones, cos jared and josh are always together and they dont really hang out with the older ones. When i heard it, i just turned around and walk away and i didnt know exactly why, why the reaction. Then, i kinda thought about it. I felt left out. because the older ones jam together and they just hang out together la, so its just hard to fit in? i guess. and josh and jared are just like magnets. hahaha theyre just cute la. yeah, so in the end i solo in the log room. and they nictan came in and we kinda talked la. yeah mmmm
Day three. we had a session on being fully alive and our dear sec 4s from owl and yv did the everything mime with stephen. it was beautiful. really amazing. i went for their practices and there were i think only about 3 practices? but the spirit really flowed :) yay. then we had mass and im suppose to play for mass but didnt have time to practice. so it was decided that i play the songs and lou play the different mass parts like alleluia and all la. so when it came to hymn after communion, ( table of plenty), i seriously screwed up cos i started off with the wrong tempo and the chords were unclear, there were like writings of another chords beside the printed ones and all that. and so i seriously screwed up and my keyboard was so loud. so the rest of the music team was trying to set the tempo for me and swee played guitar la. and near the end of the song, tears filled my eyes, it was such a horrible feeling. i didnt dare to look up, i was so afraid the first few rows would notice the tears. and so, immediately after i just sat down behind the keyboard and i just cried, facing the wall obviously. it was so hard to try not to cry and the harder i tried, the more flowed out and soon i just started sobbing. and luckily lou played the next song, so no one could really hear me la. lol. that experience kinda "officially" put me down and affirm the thought that im not good enough and maybe thats why i felt that i was really accepted in this music team? i didnt feel a sense of belonging? i felt that pple judge me according to my skills. and obviously, i may be wrong and i told myself, candice u think this way because you judge urself based on ur skills and wake up ur idea. and yeah, it was sucky. really. And then, that night came, i played for the session where the kids read their parents letter. very touching esp when this girl sat right in front and i was her facil last yr for sec 2 camp. she comes from a broken family and is very confused. mmm and i was rather surprised when she received two letters. i felt a sense of joy and hope. yeah :) That night, Jess told us a story ( remind me to share this story with u in one of our sessions, if not my post too long hahaa u must be getting bored) that relaly touched me la. :)
Last day, josh and i did morning praise. and it was both our first time doing a session in a camp and relaly, both of us had fun. :) surprisingly, i wasnt nervous during that 20 mins. hhaha praise God, cos the night before when i was preparing, i tot i would be trembling. hahhaa thanks to stephen and timtan and jp who helped me along la. yay.:) we then had final praise and ohmygoodnessgracious. its the BEST PNW i ever played for and it was relaly affirming becuase these 3 days taught me how to let go and let God. and immediately after we ended, simeon came to me and said : you played perfect. wahhhhhhhhh i was like oooooo praise God. :) nice la. Then after, it was clean up and idk how but i ended up talking to simeon about a lot of stuff la, community, spiritual life, studies.... for like an hour plus. very nice of him la. and he offered to help out with our sessions! :) yay. honestly, ym really cares for us, esp our dear chairman :) so lets stay strong :)
yeah and so that was briefly my sharing for camp. i have a lot to share! hahhaha but u all will just get bored to death and its just too long eh. hahah. you know as i was talking to simeon, he told me this, he said : its not right to come to a camp expecting smth out of it, wanting to receive smth. and that struck me becos thats what i came in with and so i realised. who am i to expect smth out of God. and maybe the first three days when i was relaly relally struggling, God wanted me to let go and let Him take control, let go of all the expectations, baggages that i came into the camp with. and yeah i think its very true la. mmm its a challenge, a tough one, to surrender. and strength to surrender is what i really need for my journey towards A's . the thought of A's now really scares me. :/ oh wells. Anw yeah, even though i didnt feel right and that people judge me when im with this music team but i guess another challenge that i needa face is not to judge myself first. yeah and the last night when stephen helped me with my planning, i told him i was getting scared and josh was there. and josh said smth like no kick la, you always do it in owl sessions what. and i replied saying but owl wont judge me. so then stephen said, you think these pple here judge you but how do u know? thats ur assumption. yeah smth, i shld reflect upon also. not to be so self concious and just love myself for who i am. even though im filled with angst. ( haahhaa no la, im not always angsty k, in fact i just show only, so dont take it to heart. hhhahaha). yeap, so no matter wad wanna praise God for his experience! :)
on a side note, there were NO owl girls who stayed over with me. so at times i solo. :( really hope there will be more the next time, or at any other ym events :) esp the older girls. hahaa yeahh. alright thanks for reading!
Love
Candice
i miss owl; vic
hellooooo owl :)
wow i haven't blogged in forever haha. how's everyone? i miss you all! sorry i haven't been coming for sessions, my parents are really coming down hard on me cuz i haven't been studying.. but i just can't seem to bring myself to start. :/ every time i start a subject i end up wanting to kill myself cuz i'd either already forgotten everything to do with that topic or i simply didn't even know in the first place. rar. life sucks. :(
ANYWAY, since all cca has ceased and all that good stuff, owl should start studying together on a regular basis! :) yay. this is our chance to motivate each other and help each other get through this shithole, coming out closer and stronger in the end. yay!
i love your faces and i miss them so.
vic♥
wow i haven't blogged in forever haha. how's everyone? i miss you all! sorry i haven't been coming for sessions, my parents are really coming down hard on me cuz i haven't been studying.. but i just can't seem to bring myself to start. :/ every time i start a subject i end up wanting to kill myself cuz i'd either already forgotten everything to do with that topic or i simply didn't even know in the first place. rar. life sucks. :(
ANYWAY, since all cca has ceased and all that good stuff, owl should start studying together on a regular basis! :) yay. this is our chance to motivate each other and help each other get through this shithole, coming out closer and stronger in the end. yay!
i love your faces and i miss them so.
Wednesday 15 June 2011
This could be the start of something good!
Hello people!
I actually think this is a pretty good idea, since I've always been envious of the logblog too. So yay, now we get our own spot! Anyway, I've no deep philosophical thoughts to contribute, so I'm buzzing off. But yeah, do keep those of us doing Con-camp in your prayers k! And the participants too (:
xie xie ni men.
Love,
Terence (this looks funny, most of you call me turtle).
I actually think this is a pretty good idea, since I've always been envious of the logblog too. So yay, now we get our own spot! Anyway, I've no deep philosophical thoughts to contribute, so I'm buzzing off. But yeah, do keep those of us doing Con-camp in your prayers k! And the participants too (:
xie xie ni men.
Love,
Terence (this looks funny, most of you call me turtle).
Monday 13 June 2011
CARPE DIEM.
SUP YALL.
Just popping by for a little while; I reallyreallyreally have a lot of things to do tonight.
but!
[ No matter how steep the mountain - the Lord is going to climb
it with you.] - Helen Steiner Rice
CARPE DIEM = SEIZE THE DAY.
Have an awesome night yo. (;
-mario.
Just popping by for a little while; I reallyreallyreally have a lot of things to do tonight.
but!
it with you.] - Helen Steiner Rice
CARPE DIEM = SEIZE THE DAY.
Have an awesome night yo. (;
-mario.
Sunday 12 June 2011
swee.
Soso! To kick-start this new blog, I apparently get the starting post since nobody else replies to facebook within minutes): sigh.(Thank you for replying within 15minutes Russell((:!<3very gratified) Anyway. Here's what's been going on in my life(:...
Gerard said I looked quite stressed today. And I suppose you could I am? I recently got offered a jc scholarship for aep about a week ago. I know I'm supposed to be happy about it and all, but really, I don't know what to think. In all honesty, I'm just stressed. Really just ...stressed. Before this scholarship came in, I've already been worrying about whether I can even get promoted to j2. Sure, everybody tells me it'll be alright, but will it really? I can't help but doubt my own capabilities. Maths is a pain, art is a pain, physics is a pain, ell is a pain, gp is... oh don't even make me go there): and then there's projectwork. Oh, and my chinese teacher thinks I'm hopeless. What joy): At the end of the day, I just don't know what to do with myself. My despondence at all these subjects is starting to really make me question my self worth.
Anyway. Now with this scholarship coming in, I worry I can't get it renewed next year. 52 points(even now, I'm still a bit unclear as to how the count this in jc) feels like such an unattainable goal. It's just so depressing-.-Although, I do have something else to share regarding all of this.Even though I didn't know what to feel when I first got this scholarship. (Gah! I better finish this post up quick. I'm supposed to have a pool match with my dad at 9pm///: Hahhaa, Maryanne! This is your fault! Hahaha, now I have pool cravings(: ) Yesyes, as I was saying, I was really struck by one thing when I got this scholarship you know. Even though I did feel somewhat empty when I got news of receiving the scholarship (I felt happier for my classmate than I did myself. Is that really strange? -we both got it) I also realized something else. That getting accepted for this scholarship truly felt like an answer to my prayers:
Okay lemme just rewrite that. Lost to my dad 2-1 in best of three. Sigh... :)Haha. Anyway. Yes, about this scholarship. It felt like an answer to my prayers you know. -my silent prayers. Up till now there are still times I question if I'm doing the right thing by pursuing architecture. My maths and physics grades have been putting me down quite a lot. And I just wonder if I made the right choice. I tell myself that I'd like to do product design or furniture design, but part of me just can't help but wonder if that's because I'm running away from things; that I don't think I'm capable of doing architecture in the first place. Somehow, getting the confirmation from my teacher the other day just stunned my into seeing and believing that God has decided to answer me that, with this scholarship, I shouldn't give up. That this, this thing I fear about messing up so much, is his motivation for me to work harder. Harder than I've ever known to not give this chance, that he's set before me, up. If I mess up my scholarship this year, then my chances for my next scholarship for university are back to where I started from if not degraded. And from the bottom of my heart, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to jeopardize this. It does mean a lot to me. That's why I was so quiet during session today I suppose. I know everybody is having major exams and by right I only have promos -which scare me quite a lot- but deep down, I think I already know that if I take up any more commitments, I'm going to just have very bad mental and emotional breakdowns over and over again. And I'm not sure if I can handle it. I suppose it's selfish, and I do want to serve community. Part of me does want to say yes, I wouldn't mind doing it, but at my core, I'm scared. I really am scared.
with sincerity, sorrow and apologies,
-swee
ps. lan-ing today really was fun, honestly(: hahaha, even though I suck and all((:!
Gerard said I looked quite stressed today. And I suppose you could I am? I recently got offered a jc scholarship for aep about a week ago. I know I'm supposed to be happy about it and all, but really, I don't know what to think. In all honesty, I'm just stressed. Really just ...stressed. Before this scholarship came in, I've already been worrying about whether I can even get promoted to j2. Sure, everybody tells me it'll be alright, but will it really? I can't help but doubt my own capabilities. Maths is a pain, art is a pain, physics is a pain, ell is a pain, gp is... oh don't even make me go there): and then there's projectwork. Oh, and my chinese teacher thinks I'm hopeless. What joy): At the end of the day, I just don't know what to do with myself. My despondence at all these subjects is starting to really make me question my self worth.
Anyway. Now with this scholarship coming in, I worry I can't get it renewed next year. 52 points(even now, I'm still a bit unclear as to how the count this in jc) feels like such an unattainable goal. It's just so depressing-.-
Okay lemme just rewrite that. Lost to my dad 2-1 in best of three. Sigh... :)Haha. Anyway. Yes, about this scholarship. It felt like an answer to my prayers you know. -my silent prayers. Up till now there are still times I question if I'm doing the right thing by pursuing architecture. My maths and physics grades have been putting me down quite a lot. And I just wonder if I made the right choice. I tell myself that I'd like to do product design or furniture design, but part of me just can't help but wonder if that's because I'm running away from things; that I don't think I'm capable of doing architecture in the first place. Somehow, getting the confirmation from my teacher the other day just stunned my into seeing and believing that God has decided to answer me that, with this scholarship, I shouldn't give up. That this, this thing I fear about messing up so much, is his motivation for me to work harder. Harder than I've ever known to not give this chance, that he's set before me, up. If I mess up my scholarship this year, then my chances for my next scholarship for university are back to where I started from if not degraded. And from the bottom of my heart, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to jeopardize this. It does mean a lot to me. That's why I was so quiet during session today I suppose. I know everybody is having major exams and by right I only have promos -which scare me quite a lot- but deep down, I think I already know that if I take up any more commitments, I'm going to just have very bad mental and emotional breakdowns over and over again. And I'm not sure if I can handle it. I suppose it's selfish, and I do want to serve community. Part of me does want to say yes, I wouldn't mind doing it, but at my core, I'm scared. I really am scared.
with sincerity, sorrow and apologies,
-swee
ps. lan-ing today really was fun, honestly(: hahaha, even though I suck and all((:!
SEAH, I am going to prove you WRONG!!! (:
You know, I kinda liked today. Honestly! Hahahha, my-obviously-crummy-firstpersonshooterskills and all(:
I dunno. As stressed as I was today, today felt good; seeing owl band together to eat lunch (and lan!). It was nice to have all of us there[lunch bit]. Felt like an all. -Definitely substantial enough to call an all. But really, I know you get me(:
Haha, you know, I think I'm starting to understand why guys generally seem to get along so well within shorter spans of time than girls. Gaming escapades like today gave me a good feel for things on a whole. It's fairly good bonding time actually, although I do feel a couple of jokes, that girls could bond like this over shopping too, coming my way. Hahaha, well, let's just say that doesn't work for me, yeah? I've come to find I don't quite like shopping, ha, but that's a story for another time. That and the fact it just really is different.
Mm, anyway. I suppose I'd like to blog starting today to bring a new dimension to owl. On a personal level, I'd say I'd deserve some credit for honestly making an effort to widen my circle of trustees(as I like to call them) within owl. I do make an effort to talk to people, and hopefully some of you notice that too. Aside from that, doing all of this has made me realise one very important thing. For as much as the relationships I have with various people may be improving, it's not cohesive as a whole. And honestly, I find that kind of sad. I can share as much as I want with one person, but other people in owl are simply never going to know about it. And sharing the same thing over and over again to everybody is kind of self-depreciating.
Okay, sidenote. I'm smsing Seah at the moment. And I'm convinced he's an absolute pessimist]: < He simply doesn't believe this blog attempt of mine is going to work. PSH. Help me prove him wrong people! D: *muttering*. you pessimist! D:<<<<<
Anyway! I suppose you could say my objective of this whole thing is that blogging can provide a way for each of us to get to know fractions of what is going on in each others' lives. Kind of like a fresh new starting point for all our future conversations. I've had enough of small talk already. Time for us to really talk about stuff. And since you can't ask someone about something you know naught of, (: why not start here, start now.
Seahhhhh. your pessimism is getting on my nerves. Can't you shoot me down after I start? D:<what is THIS.
So! Here's to starting a new avenue to sharing, reflections and bonding for owl(: Go us!
-Manda Swee
I dunno. As stressed as I was today, today felt good; seeing owl band together to eat lunch (and lan!). It was nice to have all of us there[lunch bit]. Felt like an all. -Definitely substantial enough to call an all. But really, I know you get me(:
Haha, you know, I think I'm starting to understand why guys generally seem to get along so well within shorter spans of time than girls. Gaming escapades like today gave me a good feel for things on a whole. It's fairly good bonding time actually, although I do feel a couple of jokes, that girls could bond like this over shopping too, coming my way. Hahaha, well, let's just say that doesn't work for me, yeah? I've come to find I don't quite like shopping, ha, but that's a story for another time. That and the fact it just really is different.
Mm, anyway. I suppose I'd like to blog starting today to bring a new dimension to owl. On a personal level, I'd say I'd deserve some credit for honestly making an effort to widen my circle of trustees(as I like to call them) within owl. I do make an effort to talk to people, and hopefully some of you notice that too. Aside from that, doing all of this has made me realise one very important thing. For as much as the relationships I have with various people may be improving, it's not cohesive as a whole. And honestly, I find that kind of sad. I can share as much as I want with one person, but other people in owl are simply never going to know about it. And sharing the same thing over and over again to everybody is kind of self-depreciating.
Okay, sidenote. I'm smsing Seah at the moment. And I'm convinced he's an absolute pessimist]: < He simply doesn't believe this blog attempt of mine is going to work. PSH. Help me prove him wrong people! D: *muttering*. you pessimist! D:<<<<<
Anyway! I suppose you could say my objective of this whole thing is that blogging can provide a way for each of us to get to know fractions of what is going on in each others' lives. Kind of like a fresh new starting point for all our future conversations. I've had enough of small talk already. Time for us to really talk about stuff. And since you can't ask someone about something you know naught of, (: why not start here, start now.
Seahhhhh. your pessimism is getting on my nerves. Can't you shoot me down after I start? D:<what is THIS.
So! Here's to starting a new avenue to sharing, reflections and bonding for owl(: Go us!
-Manda Swee
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