CONFI CAMP 2011 ( candice)

Hello!

Firstly, wanna thank swee for setting up this blog for us to share our lives esp when we cant meet up often due to tight schedules and all. :) YAY.

Just wanna share with u guys my confi camp experience. :)

I was in the music team, which consisted of 8 people including me - simeon, timswee, timtan, madtan, lou, joshua and jared. yeap. I would say i didnt feel anything about gg into this camp, not excited, not upset, nothing actually, basically just taking it as another camp. I went in with emotional burdens and baggages, hoping that these four days which i gave up would allow me to receive smth, i would say i wanted more spiritual element im the way im living now, to help me in the tough journey ahead. And so, i went there with expectations, expecting and telling God i want smth out of this.
So day one, it was rather slack for the music team, we kinda just hung around and played when need to. but by night time, i just felt very tired, physically and mentally and i started to question why because usually, i would feel the tiredness only on the end of the second day, there about. i didnt really go think about it, cos i couldnt really be bothered and was just tired. ok.
so day two came. i think i played for like two sessions? and while playing i can say, my tiredness affected my playing. yet, i couldnt let go and let God because there was this pride in me. and thats a problem every musician will face. PRIDE. because music is entirely based on skills and its these skills which we tend to find our identity in. which obviously would lead us the wrong way. and thru pride, the evil one attacks our weaknesses. And so, being me, i angst with myself. then i realised, if i was with owl, i would have just shown it. but because i was in this particular music team, i didnt dare to. that showed me smth which i may not have known - that i know owl doesnt judge me, i know they can accept me for who i am and love me for who i am even though the many weaknesses that i have. not saying that ym judges me, but you dont know how  to trust those that you are not close to, you dont really know them kinda thing? idk how to word it, but i guess u guys can figure out what im tryin to say. hahaa. Then we had a session on sacrament of recon done by simeon. that session, i sat behind and just listened to the words the spirit was speaking thru him and it made me tear a lot cos i was just starting at the cross and i told God that i didnt deserve whatever he has done for me, those pain and torture he went thru, the heavy cross he had to carry, the nails that went thru his hands and feet, the blood he shed. during that time, i just felt so guilty for always hurting his children, the nails i constantly drill into him. it was an incredible experience. :) That night, i played for parents night in the main church with swee, we had a mini choir hahhaa, like those from the logistics team. :) so cute. yeap and i really had fun, swee was just high and funny, so he kinda kept me entertained the whole time. then suddenly, for the final song, cheryl didnt tell us there was one, and so when the slide showed : final hymn -jesus, we enthrone you, GG, really. hahhaha all of us just like whatttttt and we srambled to find chords and yeah praise God we found it, cos we just brought random chords with us, thinking i need to play instrumental the whole time. hehe. After everything, cheryl and i wanted to meet up for supper. and so i went down to the dining to meet her la. and as i was walking in, she walked out and she told me the music team was inside. that refers to the older ones, cos jared and josh are always together and they dont really hang out with the older ones. When i heard it, i just turned around and walk away and i didnt know exactly why, why the reaction. Then, i kinda thought about it. I felt left out. because the older ones jam together and they just hang out together la, so its just hard to fit in? i guess. and josh and jared are just like magnets. hahaha theyre just cute la. yeah, so in the end i solo in the log room. and they nictan came in and we kinda talked la. yeah mmmm
Day three. we had a session on being fully alive and our dear sec 4s from owl and yv did the everything mime with stephen. it was beautiful. really amazing. i went for their practices and there were i think only about 3 practices? but the spirit really flowed :) yay. then we had mass and im suppose to play for mass but didnt have time to practice. so it was decided that i play the songs and lou play the different mass parts like alleluia and all la. so when it came to hymn after communion, ( table of plenty), i seriously screwed up cos i started off with the wrong tempo and the chords were unclear, there were like writings of another chords beside the printed ones and all that. and so i seriously screwed up and my keyboard was so loud. so the rest of the music team was trying to set the tempo for me and swee played guitar la. and near the end of the song, tears filled my eyes, it was such a horrible feeling. i didnt dare to look up, i was so afraid the first few rows would notice the tears. and so, immediately after i just sat down behind the keyboard and i just cried, facing the wall obviously. it was so hard to try not to cry and the harder i tried, the more flowed out and soon i just started sobbing. and luckily lou played the next song, so no one could really hear me la. lol. that experience kinda "officially" put me down and affirm the thought that im not good enough and maybe thats why i felt that i  was really accepted in this music team? i didnt feel a sense of belonging? i felt that pple judge me according to my skills. and obviously, i may be wrong and i told myself, candice u think this way because you judge urself based on ur skills and wake up ur idea. and yeah, it was sucky. really. And then, that night came, i played for the session where the kids read their parents letter. very touching esp when this girl sat right in front and i was her facil last yr for sec 2 camp. she comes from a broken family and is very confused. mmm and i was rather surprised when she received two letters. i felt a sense of joy and hope. yeah :) That night, Jess told us a story ( remind me to share this story with u in one of our sessions, if not my post too long hahaa u must be getting bored) that relaly touched me la. :)
Last day, josh and i did morning praise. and it was both our first time doing a session in a camp and relaly, both of us had fun. :) surprisingly, i wasnt nervous during that 20 mins. hhaha praise God, cos the night before when i was preparing, i tot i would be trembling. hahhaa thanks to stephen and timtan and jp who helped me along la. yay.:) we then had final praise and ohmygoodnessgracious. its the BEST PNW i ever played for and it was relaly affirming becuase these 3 days taught me how to let go and let God. and immediately after we ended, simeon came to me and said : you played perfect. wahhhhhhhhh i was like oooooo praise God. :) nice la. Then after, it was clean up and idk how but i ended up talking to simeon about a lot of stuff la, community, spiritual life, studies.... for like an hour plus. very nice of him la. and he offered to help out with our sessions! :) yay.  honestly, ym really cares for us, esp our dear chairman :) so lets stay strong :)


yeah and so that was briefly my sharing for camp. i have a lot to share! hahhaha but u all will just get bored to death and its just too long eh. hahah. you know as i was talking to simeon, he told me this, he said : its not right to come to a camp expecting smth out of it, wanting to receive smth. and that struck me becos thats what i came in with and so i realised. who am i to expect smth out of God. and maybe the first three days when i was relaly relally struggling, God wanted me to let go and let Him take control, let go of all the expectations, baggages that i came into the camp with. and yeah i think its very true la. mmm its a challenge, a tough one, to surrender. and  strength to surrender is what i really  need for my journey towards A's . the thought of A's now really scares me. :/ oh wells. Anw yeah, even though i didnt feel right and that people judge me when im with this music team but i guess another challenge that i needa face is not to judge myself first. yeah and the last night when stephen helped me with my planning, i told him i was getting scared and josh was there. and josh said smth like no kick la, you always do it in owl sessions what. and i replied saying but owl wont judge me. so then stephen said, you think these pple here judge you but how do u know? thats ur assumption. yeah smth, i shld reflect upon also. not to be so self concious and just love myself for who i am. even though im filled with angst. ( haahhaa no la, im not always angsty k, in fact i just show only, so dont take it to heart. hhhahaha). yeap, so no matter wad wanna praise God for his experience! :)

on a side note, there were NO owl girls who stayed over with me. so at times i solo. :( really hope there will be more the next time, or at any other ym events :) esp the older girls. hahaa yeahh. alright thanks for reading!


Love
Candice