Confirmation Camp

Hello friends. I am going to share about my honest opinions during camp. I hope that no one will feel offended by it.

The week came and I was completely dreading this camp. I had second thoughts on bother to wake up and come for camp. I was habouring thoughts about the worst happening during camp and was afraid that it would be a waste of time.

Firstly, I felt that the logistics team was made of too many people. I was feeling insignificant and that my presence was unnecessary. Secondly, I came into camp with many of my own personal struggles and was feeling extremely troubled. Thirdly, I had my own school work at the back of my mind, and felt that perhaps I would not be able to finish my school work by the end of the holidays. Lastly, I have been feeling spiritually dry.

However, I guess I still went for camp as an escape for my secular problems and also because I had a certain desire to serve God in this camp. Also I needed affirmation of God's love. I challenged him to do something powerful and great as I expected nothing amazing to happen during this camp.

On the first session, I had to do a testimony, one I honestly did not really prepare for, and I was very nervous prior to come out and sharing. Well, it went out rather smoothly, although I feel that I could have so much more, but then again that is my own expectation. Also, probably God was happy with all that I said as he definitely guided me and put the words in my mouth.

I guess I can honestly say that this camp was not the most spiritual for me and it was not the most pleasant place to be present in. There was much tension for me and I had tried my utmost best to be as neutral as possible when conflicts arouse.  Of course I was annoyed especially by certain individuals and I guess it is my mistake for being overly sensitive. Oliver noticed that I was truly depending on my own strength and will than surrendering to God and just letting God empower me and use me.

I completely agree with what he said because he was absolutely right. I just could not surrender my problems to God and didn't know how to. I guess that I was perhaps too conscious about the people around myself and didn't dare to surrender and take the risk of breaking down.

I made up my mind to stay in the intercessory room the next day to sort out my mind and try to purify my intentions. I would like to affirm Seah for coming down at 3.30 on Saturday. And I'm very sorry that I gave you certain wrong instructions. Well, everyone makes mistakes! Anyway, I felt that even though I was supposed to lead the intercessory session, Russell saved my butt and helped me to tank almost everything! Thanks very much Russell, I am really grateful!!! :)

Then came the parent's night. There was conflict within the Parish Hall, but I was not involved; let alone present at the scene. I think God placed me at a different room from the rest so that I would not get involved. He foresaw that I would have completely gone berserk and lost myself. And I probably wouldn't have been touched by Aunty Grace's testimony.
Well parent's night was a very bad experience for me. I felt like shit during the entire programme because I was reminded of my past experience, last years confirmation camp. I was ONE of the few who wasn't touched and didn't cry during the course of the night during my own camp. I was extremely upset and disappointed because I felt that God didn't love me. Anyway, after the event, I decided that I needed to put my mind of for some self-reflection. I decided to do other things instead of joining the fellowship in the canteen. I needed to put my mind away from all distractions.

However, it was while I was in the canteen that my answer had come to me. A confirmant was sharing with me her experience how she knew that she was loved by God. I actually found myself telling her about my own experience (well it was not really an experience), and then she said: "I guess that the experience does not really matter, but what happens after that. You are still desiring for God right?" I felt so touched by her words and just stood silent. I was reminded that I always kept desiring for that experience of God, even until today. I used to search for him and never gave up and I would have done literally anything receive that Love of His.

I guess that the purpose of me in camp was to come and receive and not really to serve. And as for the challenge, God responded with an answer I would never expect. Honestly, in spite of all my disappointment, I really felt the Holy Spirit flowing in every room of the church, and that God spoke through many around me. I never expected to learn anything out of this camp, but I guess we will never stop learning!

As one of my wise brothers said, "I guess that God put me in this camp to be put out of the limelight, and just to be humbled in serving others." I can personally testify to this. All in all, I guess there are no real words to express my camp experience, one which was extremely unique.

As for the community aspect, I really hurts me to see my own community fight within itself. My heart was really broken by what ever I saw during camp. I hate to see our community broken and see others ganging up against others. And I am sick and tired of seeing other outside our community who look down upon us. Will you stand up and prove them wrong with me?

-Jordan