Hello y'all!
Thanks for keeping us in your prayers(I know you did!). Anyway, I figure I ought to share my takeaways from the past 4 fays, so here goes.
In all honesty, I signed up for camp because I wanted a 'high' to last me through the rest of the year, or at least till A's end. I entered camp having not done any spiritual prep on my own at all, since I told myself that I'd need to spend as much time studying as I could. That said, I went for confession right before the camp began, so i thought I was in a pretty good state initially. I'd decided before hand to be as open as I could this camp, since I'd already invested 4 days of my life(the week before my midyears), so it made sense to try and get as much out of it as possible.
My group was pretty decent, save this one guy who "hated this religion" and his family and pretty much everything to do with church. I spent most of the first two days trying to get him to open up, and I guess it'd be fair to say I invested a fair amount of my emotions for camp on him i.e. if he opens up, camp will be good and vice versa.Despite his initial resistance towards camp, there were positive signs throughout, such as his going for Recon without being prompted, and I guess this lead to me raising my hopes even more.
Slight detour coming up, but you'll see the link by the end of the next next paragraph (:
Anyway, the second day was extremely draining for me, spiritually. The night session was a time of praying with, but I couldn't find it in myself to stay focused in prayer, or to be free in worship. I think I'd allowed myself to grow complacent in my spirituality in this camp, and as a result my pride wasn't allowing me to be really surrender to God's will. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I felt a warmth in my torso, and my heart started beating super strongly halfway through when someone was praying for me in the spiritual prep for the night session. I guess y'all know me well enough to know that I'm not normally big on "warm fuzzy feelings" and all, so I don't really know what to make of it. I think maybe a small part of me fears that after waiting so long for some tangible sign, it's gonna end up being something really lame. Like, a warmth in my chest. So, I shall have to figure out to make of that on my own. At that point in time thought, I guess it was the affirmation I needed to let down a few of my walls and let God in that bit more
Alright, back to the guy I mentioned earlier. So, the praying with was going pretty alright(I think), and I had my hopes really high when this dude came up to be prayed with. Anyway, I lead. Unlike with the previous participants, I was at a total loss for words (yeah, it actually happens), and I felt so crappy throughout. When it ended, he just walked away without a word, and he pushed me away when I tried to give him a hug. I pretty much died then. I just sank down to the floor and sat there, stunned. My hopes were so high, especially everything seemed to be falling in place, and I really wasn't expecting such a response. To say that I was discouraged would be a major major major understatement. So, the rest of the night passed by pretty uneventfully, probably because I was still pretty shell-shocked (ha, turtle pun).
The following day included a session on allowing the seeds of God's love sown during the praying with to grow and develop, and I realised then that I shouldn't have pinned so much emotion on that one participant in my group, and that it wasn't for me to demand/expect something tangible to happen. I figured then that perhaps I had been seeking a sign that would boost my own ego, perhaps confirming that I'm a good facil or sth. I realise that this might not make sense to some of you, but bear with me please.
So, first learning point for the camp: that I ought to serve with the aim of allowing God's will to be manifested, not my own.
Moving on, I found final worship really good. We used the song "Forever reign", and the line "I'm running to your arms" moved me to tears. Which doesn't happen very often. I guess I've always known that I want a relationship with this God, but I never liked how hard I needed to 'work' for my faith, and so I tried finding alternative sources to feel loved. I think final worship was where I decided that I don't want to expend anymore time and energy looking for love in all the wrong places when I've a God I can get it directly from. And, as has always been the case, I know it isn't going to be easy. But this is where you people come in. See, as community I'm relying on y'all to slap me and drag me back kicking and screaming every time I do something I shouldn't.
Speaking of community, I think I realise how much I missed having OWLs around during camps. I was the only facil from OWL, while all the other youth groups had lots of members helping out at camp. So, I showered alone the whole camp, and I felt really lonely. I know nothing could have been done about this, but it still kinda sucks. Nyehh.
Another community related point I think I ought to share with y'all happened on the first day. Jason (Cornerstone) was giving an extremely personal sharing, and one of the participants whistled extremely disrespectfully. I noticed how all the CS people in the room immediately 'blackfaced', and afterwards how another CS member came down hard on the participant because he didn't like how the dude disrespected Jason. And for me, I guess this example of solidarity struck home because it showed how they all had their community member's back, so I hope we can do the same in our community.
On a more personal level, charisms. At debrief today they were talking about particular areas which people are gifted in, and these differ, obviously. Anyway, I like doing sessions on teachings, and I'm particularly inclined to the idea that that might be my possible gifting. However, this camp alone 3 participants have told me that they were touched by my praying with. And since I joined YM quite a number of people have told me the same, so :/ In all honesty, I'd much rather not this be my charism, if that turns out to be the case. See, unlike teachings where there is a definite answer, praying with people doesn't. And that requires a lot more surrendering to God, and trusting that he will take care of stuff. But, I'm not really keen on going in for stuff with no idea what the end result is gonna be. Uncertainty, bleah.
Oh well, I realise that I'm pretty much rambling at this point, so I'll stop here. And to be honest, I still don't know if going for camp was the right decision to make. But yeah, if you did make it to this point, thank you for taking the time to read my reflection. (:
Love,
Terence.
thank you(: and praise God.
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