swee.

Soso! To kick-start this new blog, I apparently get the starting post since nobody else replies to facebook within minutes): sigh.(Thank you for replying within 15minutes Russell((:!<3very gratified) Anyway. Here's what's been going on in my life(:...

Gerard said I looked quite stressed today. And I suppose you could I am? I recently got offered a jc scholarship for aep about a week ago. I know I'm supposed to be happy about it and all, but really, I don't know what to think. In all honesty, I'm just stressed. Really just   ...stressed. Before this scholarship came in, I've already been worrying about whether I can even get promoted to j2. Sure, everybody tells me it'll be alright, but will it really? I can't help but doubt my own capabilities. Maths is a pain, art is a pain, physics is a pain, ell is a pain, gp is... oh don't even make me go there): and then there's projectwork. Oh,  and my chinese teacher thinks I'm hopeless. What joy): At the end of the day, I just don't know what to do with myself. My despondence at all these subjects is starting to really make me question my self worth.

Anyway. Now with this scholarship coming in, I worry I can't get it renewed next year. 52 points(even now, I'm still a bit unclear as to how the count this in jc) feels like such an unattainable goal. It's just so depressing-.- Although, I do have something else to share regarding all of this.Even though I didn't know what to feel when I first got this scholarship. (Gah! I better finish this post up quick. I'm supposed to have a pool match with my dad at 9pm///: Hahhaa, Maryanne! This is your fault! Hahaha, now I have pool cravings(: ) Yesyes, as I was saying, I was really struck by one thing when I got this scholarship you know. Even though I did feel somewhat empty when I got news of receiving the scholarship (I felt happier for my classmate than I did myself. Is that really strange? -we both got it) I also realized something else. That getting accepted for this scholarship truly felt like an answer to my prayers:

Okay lemme just rewrite that. Lost to my dad 2-1 in best of three. Sigh... :)Haha. Anyway. Yes, about this scholarship. It felt like an answer to my prayers you know. -my silent prayers. Up till now there are still times I question if I'm doing the right thing by pursuing architecture. My maths and physics grades have been putting me down quite a lot. And I just wonder if I made the right choice. I tell myself that I'd like to do product design or furniture design, but part of me just can't help but wonder if that's because I'm running away from things; that I don't think I'm capable of doing architecture in the first place. Somehow, getting the confirmation from my teacher the other day just stunned my into seeing and believing that God has decided to answer me that, with this scholarship, I shouldn't give up. That this, this thing I fear about messing up so much, is his motivation for me to work harder. Harder than I've ever known to not give this chance, that he's set before me, up. If I mess up my scholarship this year, then my chances for my next scholarship for university are back to where I started from if not degraded. And from the bottom of my heart, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to jeopardize this. It does mean a lot to me. That's why I was so quiet during session today I suppose. I know everybody is having major exams and by right I only have promos -which scare me quite a lot- but deep down, I think I already know that if I take up any more commitments, I'm going to just have very bad mental and emotional breakdowns over and over again. And I'm not sure if I can handle it. I suppose it's selfish, and I do want to serve community. Part of me does want to say yes, I wouldn't mind doing it, but at my core, I'm scared. I really am scared.

with sincerity, sorrow and apologies,
-swee

ps. lan-ing today really was fun, honestly(: hahaha, even though I suck and all((:!